Still More Masonic Humor

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said… ” All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn’t you?………I wish I was a master!”
After due thought, he said…
“So do I dear….. we swap them for a new one every year!!”

In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to identify him as he rode out of town. A posse was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence, and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. “I sure do, Judge, if it wasn’t for the Masons I wouldn’t be here.” The judge inquired to what he referred. “Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were most of the posse. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn’t for the Masons I wouldn’t be here.” That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed. The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and said,”Take one advancing step with your left foot.”

“OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY”

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life–at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” “I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.” “It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up nothing did.” He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?” “Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.” “But, but, that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware–how did you manage?” “Oh, that was no problem,” the woman said. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?” Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. “Well, let’s row over to my place, then,” she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?” “No, no, thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a pina colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he mused. “What next?” When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know. …” She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing: `You mean…” he replied, “I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, “About 200 feet up in a balloon.”
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, ” I bet he’s the Secretary of his Lodge!” “Why do you say that?”, the other asked. “Well what he has told us is absolutely true – but in our present predicament is totally useless!”

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.

When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that “I will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands”. Realizing how much this meant to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed ” I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who won’t pee in a mason jar!”

There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he’s bobbing about a life boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and refused their help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner “God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
“OK,” said the WM, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii.”
“I can’t do that!!!” exclaimed the Genie. “Don’t you know that’s impossible? No Genie could do that. It’s too far, the water is too deep, it’s just totally beyond anybody’s power. You will have to make another wish.”
“OK,” said the Master. “I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers … just sit on the sidelines and behave!”
“Hmmmmm,” said the Genie. “Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??”

A burglar broke into an old past masters house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
“Jesus is watching you.”
He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot…
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”
The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler Jesus.”

two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the Tyler and said this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we haven’t seen the sales rep

About leader

District Deputy Grand Master Saratoga-Warren District 1998-2000; Grand Lodge Leadership Services Committee; Leadership Development Course Coordinator; Vice Chairman Grand Master's Educational Task Force; Vice Chairman Grand Lodge Child ID Committee; District Deputy Grand High Priest 14th Capitular District; Grand Master of the 1st Veil 2010; Grand Master 2nd Veil 2011; Grand Master 3rd Veil 2012 Grand Royal Arch Captain 2013 Grand Principal Sojourner 2014 Grand Captain of the Host 2015 Warren County Historical Society Board of Trustees; Queensbury Masonic Historical Society Charter Member; State Chairman Lodges & Buildings Committee Deputy Grand Master's Advisory Committee
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